My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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