I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
