ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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