at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
