everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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