Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
