I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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