i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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