Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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