i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
