You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
