Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bring me that man meat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
