Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
