we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
