I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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