So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the day after is always just damage control
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
