the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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