i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
