My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
