I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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