I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
