4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
your parents love me but you hate me
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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