for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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