you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
