he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
