Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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