I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
