the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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