God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
