A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
