If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
