Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
