Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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