I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
