my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
