I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
