A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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