i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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