there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
