i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
