Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
