Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
