i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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