covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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