Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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