Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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