I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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