I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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