I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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