Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
