Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
