Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my being single is dangerous.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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