he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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