If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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